fallen in love

hy!, i think i am in love

psst... what a weird title, hehe; but really today i have been victim of love. even though i am boy, it's still not easy for me to write about it and i have to write it because i can't hold it in me.

lately i have been watching animes. i mean, i am not an anime freak or a 'weeb' as they say but they are pretty good actually, way better than anything else if you just ignore the fact that they aren't real but the stories are, the writers are and so the feelings, the essences is real.

i had really watched nearly, roughly, um, more than 12 anime series, i guess and mostly they were all about slice of life and romance.

i am not going to list them all here because that will make this blog post more weird but every anime was responsible for the situation in which i am now.

just 35 minutes ago i had finished an anime series named, 'Tsurezure Children', i was actually a comedy, romance and slice of life anime in which the writer doesn't had any protagonist but was point out the way teenagers tries themselves to wear the shoes of the maturity even if they don't know how to wear it and wear to walk with it. in shot it was about 6-7 love stories all were bind and moving around each other.

by looking at all those various kinds of love stories, the variety of love stories and how beautifully they were put in all together and animated, i can only say that i had learnt something very important that i really really want to share.

after completing that anime, i am sad to admit it but i wasn't able to feel connected with any of the love story that were shown, nor this anime any kind of anime or any kind of love story doesn't seem to felt by me. it's like i can't feel the way, it's like i don't know what it is, it's like i had never ever being in it.

this mere thought scared me like i don't want to be asexual, and i know that i am not but then why don't i have feeling for anyone, why i don't love anyone like anyone of my age or less or more but still just one but i don't have anyone.

it's always seems like this idea of love doesn't seem to fit in my thick head and my heart is like, my heart, it frightened me, rather than butterflies, i felt like something is suffocating inside me, like i not like the air is filled with scent but more like air felt heavier for me to breath, it's not like i feel every day like a day of spring but i like night more than day time.

 

hy...don't get me wrong but... i think love is the most selfish thing that i can ever do.

and i am not a selfish person, i don't have any intention to be, well, i am a coward, a scared-cat but i ain't selfish.

what made me think about love this way, well, there is this street dog, who sleeps, always at night sleeps just before my house's main entrance, he is so thin that i and my grandma every day gave them bites of chapatis but still whenever i see him sleeping right before my entrance, at night, i can't help it but bring some more chapatis and throw towards him to eat. 

i kept asking myself why i do it, it's not like that dog gonna give me anything in return, but i guess i do it because i fear the karma, i fear the afterlife and i fear the rules of good and bad.

i came to a true conclusion about myself that i don't do things out of mercy or love but i do think because doing them make me feel satisfied from inside. the heaviness in air sightly decreased and along with suffocation, inside me.

i mean what can 2 rotis will do any good to that thin dog, but those 2 rotis are enough for me to get satisfied. hehe, how cheap i am.

love is the most selfish thing that you could ever do.

think about it and please prove me wrong.